why can't it wait till morning?

this is probably the longest night of my life in recent years.

i'm trying my best not to call p tonight, as i am really in pain right now. we were just together this afternoon and just because he fell asleep between our conversation, i got pissed. he tried to comfort me but eventually he told me he had to go home early. what great timing! i blabbed away about him wanting to go home for another reason, which he took as a sign of mistrust, and stormed away in his beetle.

i thought he wasn't going to leave but he did. and i called him to ask if he indeed was leaving and he said he just had to go home...and he didn't turn around and come back for me.

i feel so depressed. i told him he was free to leave because he knew i'd be running after him anyway. but i don't want to be there all the time just to be taken for granted. so i told him never to call me again if he wasn't coming back tonight.

almost 4 hours later, he still hasn't called. he's probably asleep. or playing pc games.

he texted me about his frustration about telling the simple truth and not being believed for it. why can't he understand that it isn't about the simple truth anymore but the fact that i felt hurt? what's even worse is that he doesn't know how deep the sadness goes...he has no idea that i've snooped on his webpage and saw his messages to female strangers...or that his admission of having a female buddy caller is playing in my mind all the time. he could be talking to her right now...and i wouldn't know about it because i'm not supposed to be the first one to let one's guard down.

i want to call him and just tell him calmly how hurt i am, but i fear this is the reason why he doesn't get the message. is it heartless for me to make him wonder a bit? on the other hand, he's the one who's heartless by making me wait.

****

sleep, sleep, let me sleep.